Posted by
Daniel Sauerwein on Tuesday, August 07, 2007 5:06:19 AM
Have you ever been caught in a left-wing protest, checked one out
out of pure curiosity, or been forcibly brought to one by one of your
"progressive" friends? Were you confused about all the different types
of liberal taking part? We have all been to or seen scenes of left-wing
protests around our country. There are so many different groups
involved, from hippies to militant gays, to college professors and
actors. Not all left-wing protesters are alike. Like our own animal
kingdom, there are unique species involved in the liberal protest world
that, when understood and viewed in the wild (the protest itself) will
bring you to a further understanding of radical left-wingers. Like
understanding nature, you will need a field guide (like the Audubon
guides) to identify the features, behaviors, and natural habitats, as
well as their calls (more on those later). Fortunately, the founders of
ProtestWarrior, a national conservative activist group that creatively
and humorously crashes left-wing protests, has created a guide. A Field Guide to Left-Wing Wackos
will help the intrepid conservative understand the species of protester
and how to annoy them. Species one may encounter are as follows:
Anarchists-as their name suggests, these creatures advocate
the abolishment of the government. They are prone to violence to get
their way, as illustrated by their involvement in the 1999 WTO protests
in Seattle. These "adults" often throw large versions of toddler temper
tantrums when their ideas are challenged, or they don't get their way.
In addition, they are too afraid of the consequences of their behavior,
particularly acts of violence, so they hide under their ball caps and
bandannas. Approach species with caution, as they are known to stomp
and kick victims while on the ground (see tantrum remark above).
Communists-this species is similar to their Anarchist
cousins, with one difference. While Anarchists call for the dissolution
of the government, Communists call for the dissolution of the state,
which will be replaced by a communist government. They typically view
the world with sad eyes, as they face the reality that their system
killed millions in the 20th century, but are quick to deny these
atrocities as being communist. In order to scare communists away, bring
a friend who is a refugee from communism and also bring up the movie
"The Killing Fields."
Intellectuals-This species, also knowns as College Professors
enjoy the privileges that come with working in academia. Besides
working far less than most other Americans (summer break, spring break,
Christmas break), they enjoy the fact that tenure makes them
untouchable. This species is usually too self-absorbed in their
worthless research to attend protests (also prefer to be low-key to
keep their cushy job), but will occasionally speak at protests.
Typically this species supports the protesters from the sidelines,
preferring to stay in the air conditioned office and write articles of
support for local print media. The Intellectual is a dangerous species
that spits venom from its mouth that targets the mind with liberal
poison that can turn Mom and Dad's little darling into a raving
left-wing fanatic that they do not know. The worst part about an attack
from an Intellectual is that it comes with the financial cost of four
or more years of education.
Authors Note: Not all professors are members of this
species, as there exists endangered species commonly called the Old
School professor, which while liberal, still views their mission as one
of educating, not indoctrinating. Old school profs. have cousins called
Conservative Professors, which commonly reside at Hillsdale College or
one of the other traditionally conservative schools in the country, as
well as occasional positions at other schools. Unfortunately, these
species are one of the few antidotes for Intellectual attacks and they
are nearing extinction, as most Old Schoolers retire, and most
conservatives seek other employment.
College Students-the political "offspring" of Intellectuals,
College Students are willing to join in the protests and other
left-wing causes to impress their Intellectual professor and keep their
GPA. This species is easily confused, as their youth is their undoing.
A well-studied individual can take the College Student down with shear
facts, as the College Student has neither the life experience nor the
frame of reference to last long in the arena of ideas, especially when
challenged.
Hollywood Activists-You have to love those who attend
protests from Hollywood. Members of this species are so self-absorbed
that they do not particularly care about the cause, but rather want the
street cred that comes from appearing with their fellow travelers.
However, one thing sets this group apart, they want to keep a level of
distance from the protesters, possibly for their own safety. This
species is somewhat of a sad case, as they have become so deluded with
their own selves that they think that every other American gives a rats
you know what about their thoughts. Strategy for dealing with this
species is as simple as not attending their movies.
Blacktivists-this species is comprised with, as the name
suggests, angry black people. This species is convinced that all ills
are the fault of white people and their inherent racism, as opposed to
their own lack of initiative. Everything, from Katrina to the inability
of some of them to hold a job is the white man's fault. Prominent
members of this species include members of the Nation of Islam and
Jesse Jackson. Ways to annoy this species include (from the book
itself) highlighting the discriminatory hiring in the NBA and pointing
out the prominent Democrats who opposed the Civil Rights Act.
Hacktivists-These individuals are the most elusive of all the
protest species. This is mainly because the activity they engage in is
typically the most illegal, which is, as their name implies, hacking.
Hacktivists are characterized by their pasty complexion, due to lack of
exposure to the sun, and their absolute lack of ability to get a date.
They often target conservative websites to take down, or steal the
financial information of site supporters. It is hoped that they will
end up on the protest endangered species list due to lack of population
from lack of procreation.
Proud Marys- this species is better known as the militant
homosexual. You may recognize them by them either holding hands, or
overt displays of sexuality, or they will be dressed in an outrageous
fashion (boas, leather, next to nothing, etc.). Members of this species
are proud to be gay and want the whole world to know it, whether the
rest of the world wants to or not. According to the guide, strategies
for staying safe when confronted by this species include reminding them
of what Muslim countries do to homosexuals (especially when they are
protesting for Muslim causes) and/or advocating Straight Pride.
Granolas-Also known as the "Environut" or "long-haired
tree-dwelling baboon", the Granola is one of the more amusing, but
sometimes dangerous members of the protest kingdom. Granolas include
members of the eco-terror groups Earth Liberation Front (ELF) and
Animal Liberation Front (ALF, not to be mistaken for the lovable fur
ball character of 1980s TV), which are responsible for many acts of
domestic terrorism and damage. Most Granolas are less harmful than
their ELF/ALF brethren and are much more amusing. Granolas are
typically found in trees that they feel they must protect from evil
loggers (no one consulted the tree to find out how it felt about
someone freeloading on its branches and using them for a bathroom). The
poster child for Granolas is Julia Butterfly Hill, who lived in a tree
she name Luna for over 700 days (apparently this girl does not need a
job to afford housing like the rest of us, she just mooches of a poor,
innocent tree). The guide suggests offering to buy PETA protesters food
at the nearest burger joint and playing chain saw sounds loudly
(bringing actual chainsaw encouraged for effect) at one of their "Tree
Villages".
Peace Moms-She's done her share of diaper changes, PTA
meetings, and bake sales. Now that the kids have left the nest, she
feels she is ready to change the world (after all, she's not getting
younger and has not had the eye of her husband since kid #2). The peace
mom is the organizational queen (no offense to the Proud Marys above)
of the protest world, which grew from her work with community events
and school events when her children were younger. The guide mentions
two important characteristics of Peace Moms. First, "They are by far
the best smelling of all the species." (127) and that they are the most
dangerous of all liberal protest species. This is because while they
don't know what they are exactly doing, they manage to get things done
(this comes again from their years of training with PTA and other
groups when they were younger). The Peace Mom typically resides in
upper-middle class neighborhoods and typically remains active until the
grandkids arrive, which either brings about total retirement from
protesting, or evolution into the sub-species known as Peace Grandmas.
The guide recommends the following tactics for dealing with Peace Moms:
Level 1, compliment her appearance and ask about workout regimen, which
will cause her to drone on about it and forget what the protest is
about (Peace Moms are very self-absorbed); Level 2, mention that her
mascara is running, which will cause her to flee the area to reapply;
and Level 3, when she comments about the evils of capitalism, ask her
where her husband works. (133-4)
The Self-Hating Vet-They served their country, but left their
common sense in the war zone and replaced it with radical left-wing
politics. The self-hating veteran is somewhat a sad case. They served
their country, which is an honorable thing, but somewhere along the
line, they found drugs and lost their minds. They now find solace in
their favorite brew, which is one place they hang out in. There exists
a sub-species, the Ivy League Self-Hating Vet that is wealthy (examples
are John Kerry and Al Gore) and uses that wealth to their advantage.
Tactics for dealing with this species include directing him to the fake
"Legalize Marijuana Smoke-In" to introducing him to your friend from
South Vietnam.(145)
Acid Freaks-Also known as the "common hippie" are known for
their unkempt appearance, goofy antics, and characteristic aroma
(typically of cannabis) that is used to attract others, but not
necessarily for mating. Typical Acid Freak behavior includes either
playing a conga drum while rhythmically dancing to said drum during
acid-induced high, hacky sack, or staring into space as they enjoy or
fear the images created by said acid. According to the guide, the Acid
Freak can be subdued by simply asking them to look at their hand, which
will result in them looking at it for hours in the same location.(157)
Dylan Wannabes-A no talent pathetic excuse for an "artist"
that, as the name implies, thinks they'll be the next Bob Dylan. Often
carrying acoustic guitar and occasional harmonica, the Wannabe is ready
to show their stuff (or lack of) at the next protest. These rejects
could make William Hung seem like Don Henley. The guide offers no
tactics, but plugging your ears and/or unplugging their microphone and
amps may be in order.
Performance Artist-This species is in love with the grotesque
display, which they consider art. They are easy to spot, as they are
dressed like they are ready to go Trick-or-Treating. You may spot one
dressed as Death, which is a likely representation of the victims of
Bush's illegitimate wars, or you may spot others engaged in acts so
vile, they would make a blind man cry. One example is the group Breasts not Bombs,
which would be a nice distraction to the protest if the women were not
examples of too much Jell-O for the mold (quoting Ron White "Things
that make you go bwugh."). The guide recommends (you may not want to
try it though) setting up a camera to attract the creatures, as they
crave the attention, or dressing up as a suicide bomber and stand near
their recreation of the Israeli security fence and go "Thank you for
your support. You are now all dead"(178)
Islamothug-He's come from the ghetto of East Jerusalem ready
to let his fellow travelers know that he's Muslim and angry. Members of
this species blame all their own personal ills, as well as those of the
world on the U.S. and Israel. Often dressing like a "gangsta" version
of Yasser Arafat, they are known to engage in fake funeral processions
to illustrate Israeli and American atrocities against Muslims,
particularly Palestinians. They are known to refer to terrorists as
freedom fighters. Tactics range from asking for translations of Koranic
verses (particularly Surah 9:5) to tripping the coffin of a funeral
procession, to holding up the following sign within their group and
explaining the sarcasm.
Closet Nazis-As the name implies, these individuals possess a
high level of anti-Semitism. They attempt to hide this behind a veil of
anti-Israeli views. They are also characterized by being conspiracy
nuts. Ways of dealing with them include showing them a fake "Elders of
Zion" membership card, which will cause them to run to white power
forums, announce the finding, and be laughed at for being so stupid by
other Nazis, and, wearing pro-Israeli apparel near them.(202)
Security Goons-This is a protest volunteer who handles
security for the organization putting on the protest. This species
annoys cops frequently by acting like they have real power wearing
their security vests. Known for protecting protests from groups like
ProtestWarrior, these creatures overdo this job because they have no
burdens in life. Related to the Security Goons are the organizers of
the protest themselves, the Goons "bosses". The guide encourages
shaking the hand of the real cops safeguarding the protest for their
patience and humor, confronting the Goons with the truth of the First
Amendment when they attempt to tear down your sign, and picketing the
office of the protest organizer for a taste of their own
medicine.(211-2)
There is one more group in the guide, but it is a group to be proud of and one that does not care for the protests.
The Employed White Male-Members of this species may be
liberal or conservative, but one thing holds them together, they are
just trying to get to work, raise their families, and enjoy life. This
species typically gets involved with protests by accident, even though
they were the original protesters at the founding of our nation. The
employed white male will usually be heading to work, or coming home
from work and have their journey interrupted by protesters, who likely
did not get out of bed until noon and have no job. The protesters serve
the employed white male with a powerful example for their children of
why hard work and strong values are important ("You don't want to be
like them, do you kid?"). This species is to be honored and celebrated,
as they are what make this country great.
Thus concludes the examination of the species covered in A Field Guide to Left-Wing Wackos.
Now you will know the different groups at liberal protests and what to
do about them. Please consider getting the book as it is wonderful and
will make you laugh. Also, check out ProtestWarrior.com
to find out ways to get involved and counter the protest (they also
have downloadable signs to place on doors, desks, etc. to annoy
liberals).
Author's Note: The page numbers in parenthesis correspond to the
page numbers in the book where certain information in the profiles was
used.