Have you ever been caught in a left-wing protest, checked one out out of pure curiosity, or been forcibly brought to one by one of your "progressive" friends? Were you confused about all the different types of liberal taking part? We have all been to or seen scenes of left-wing protests around our country. There are so many different groups involved, from hippies to militant gays, to college professors and actors. Not all left-wing protesters are alike. Like our own animal kingdom, there are unique species involved in the liberal protest world that, when understood and viewed in the wild (the protest itself) will bring you to a further understanding of radical left-wingers. Like understanding nature, you will need a field guide (like the Audubon guides) to identify the features, behaviors, and natural habitats, as well as their calls (more on those later). Fortunately, the founders of ProtestWarrior, a national conservative activist group that creatively and humorously crashes left-wing protests, has created a guide. A Field Guide to Left-Wing Wackos will help the intrepid conservative understand the species of protester and how to annoy them. Species one may encounter are as follows:

Anarchists-as their name suggests, these creatures advocate the abolishment of the government. They are prone to violence to get their way, as illustrated by their involvement in the 1999 WTO protests in Seattle. These "adults" often throw large versions of toddler temper tantrums when their ideas are challenged, or they don't get their way. In addition, they are too afraid of the consequences of their behavior, particularly acts of violence, so they hide under their ball caps and bandannas. Approach species with caution, as they are known to stomp and kick victims while on the ground (see tantrum remark above).

Communists-this species is similar to their Anarchist cousins, with one difference. While Anarchists call for the dissolution of the government, Communists call for the dissolution of the state, which will be replaced by a communist government. They typically view the world with sad eyes, as they face the reality that their system killed millions in the 20th century, but are quick to deny these atrocities as being communist. In order to scare communists away, bring a friend who is a refugee from communism and also bring up the movie "The Killing Fields."

Intellectuals-This species, also knowns as College Professors enjoy the privileges that come with working in academia. Besides working far less than most other Americans (summer break, spring break, Christmas break), they enjoy the fact that tenure makes them untouchable. This species is usually too self-absorbed in their worthless research to attend protests (also prefer to be low-key to keep their cushy job), but will occasionally speak at protests. Typically this species supports the protesters from the sidelines, preferring to stay in the air conditioned office and write articles of support for local print media. The Intellectual is a dangerous species that spits venom from its mouth that targets the mind with liberal poison that can turn Mom and Dad's little darling into a raving left-wing fanatic that they do not know. The worst part about an attack from an Intellectual is that it comes with the financial cost of four or more years of education.

Authors Note: Not all professors are members of this species, as there exists endangered species commonly called the Old School professor, which while liberal, still views their mission as one of educating, not indoctrinating. Old school profs. have cousins called Conservative Professors, which commonly reside at Hillsdale College or one of the other traditionally conservative schools in the country, as well as occasional positions at other schools. Unfortunately, these species are one of the few antidotes for Intellectual attacks and they are nearing extinction, as most Old Schoolers retire, and most conservatives seek other employment.

College Students-the political "offspring" of Intellectuals, College Students are willing to join in the protests and other left-wing causes to impress their Intellectual professor and keep their GPA. This species is easily confused, as their youth is their undoing. A well-studied individual can take the College Student down with shear facts, as the College Student has neither the life experience nor the frame of reference to last long in the arena of ideas, especially when challenged.

Hollywood Activists-You have to love those who attend protests from Hollywood. Members of this species are so self-absorbed that they do not particularly care about the cause, but rather want the street cred that comes from appearing with their fellow travelers. However, one thing sets this group apart, they want to keep a level of distance from the protesters, possibly for their own safety. This species is somewhat of a sad case, as they have become so deluded with their own selves that they think that every other American gives a rats you know what about their thoughts. Strategy for dealing with this species is as simple as not attending their movies.

Blacktivists-this species is comprised with, as the name suggests, angry black people. This species is convinced that all ills are the fault of white people and their inherent racism, as opposed to their own lack of initiative. Everything, from Katrina to the inability of some of them to hold a job is the white man's fault. Prominent members of this species include members of the Nation of Islam and Jesse Jackson. Ways to annoy this species include (from the book itself) highlighting the discriminatory hiring in the NBA and pointing out the prominent Democrats who opposed the Civil Rights Act.

Hacktivists-These individuals are the most elusive of all the protest species. This is mainly because the activity they engage in is typically the most illegal, which is, as their name implies, hacking. Hacktivists are characterized by their pasty complexion, due to lack of exposure to the sun, and their absolute lack of ability to get a date. They often target conservative websites to take down, or steal the financial information of site supporters. It is hoped that they will end up on the protest endangered species list due to lack of population from lack of procreation.

Proud Marys- this species is better known as the militant homosexual. You may recognize them by them either holding hands, or overt displays of sexuality, or they will be dressed in an outrageous fashion (boas, leather, next to nothing, etc.). Members of this species are proud to be gay and want the whole world to know it, whether the rest of the world wants to or not. According to the guide, strategies for staying safe when confronted by this species include reminding them of what Muslim countries do to homosexuals (especially when they are protesting for Muslim causes) and/or advocating Straight Pride.

Granolas-Also known as the "Environut" or "long-haired tree-dwelling baboon", the Granola is one of the more amusing, but sometimes dangerous members of the protest kingdom. Granolas include members of the eco-terror groups Earth Liberation Front (ELF) and Animal Liberation Front (ALF, not to be mistaken for the lovable fur ball character of 1980s TV), which are responsible for many acts of domestic terrorism and damage. Most Granolas are less harmful than their ELF/ALF brethren and are much more amusing. Granolas are typically found in trees that they feel they must protect from evil loggers (no one consulted the tree to find out how it felt about someone freeloading on its branches and using them for a bathroom). The poster child for Granolas is Julia Butterfly Hill, who lived in a tree she name Luna for over 700 days (apparently this girl does not need a job to afford housing like the rest of us, she just mooches of a poor, innocent tree). The guide suggests offering to buy PETA protesters food at the nearest burger joint and playing chain saw sounds loudly (bringing actual chainsaw encouraged for effect) at one of their "Tree Villages".

Peace Moms-She's done her share of diaper changes, PTA meetings, and bake sales. Now that the kids have left the nest, she feels she is ready to change the world (after all, she's not getting younger and has not had the eye of her husband since kid #2). The peace mom is the organizational queen (no offense to the Proud Marys above) of the protest world, which grew from her work with community events and school events when her children were younger. The guide mentions two important characteristics of Peace Moms. First, "They are by far the best smelling of all the species." (127) and that they are the most dangerous of all liberal protest species. This is because while they don't know what they are exactly doing, they manage to get things done (this comes again from their years of training with PTA and other groups when they were younger). The Peace Mom typically resides in upper-middle class neighborhoods and typically remains active until the grandkids arrive, which either brings about total retirement from protesting, or evolution into the sub-species known as Peace Grandmas. The guide recommends the following tactics for dealing with Peace Moms: Level 1, compliment her appearance and ask about workout regimen, which will cause her to drone on about it and forget what the protest is about (Peace Moms are very self-absorbed); Level 2, mention that her mascara is running, which will cause her to flee the area to reapply; and Level 3, when she comments about the evils of capitalism, ask her where her husband works. (133-4)

The Self-Hating Vet-They served their country, but left their common sense in the war zone and replaced it with radical left-wing politics. The self-hating veteran is somewhat a sad case. They served their country, which is an honorable thing, but somewhere along the line, they found drugs and lost their minds. They now find solace in their favorite brew, which is one place they hang out in. There exists a sub-species, the Ivy League Self-Hating Vet that is wealthy (examples are John Kerry and Al Gore) and uses that wealth to their advantage. Tactics for dealing with this species include directing him to the fake "Legalize Marijuana Smoke-In" to introducing him to your friend from South Vietnam.(145)

Acid Freaks-Also known as the "common hippie" are known for their unkempt appearance, goofy antics, and characteristic aroma (typically of cannabis) that is used to attract others, but not necessarily for mating. Typical Acid Freak behavior includes either playing a conga drum while rhythmically dancing to said drum during acid-induced high, hacky sack, or staring into space as they enjoy or fear the images created by said acid. According to the guide, the Acid Freak can be subdued by simply asking them to look at their hand, which will result in them looking at it for hours in the same location.(157)

Dylan Wannabes-A no talent pathetic excuse for an "artist" that, as the name implies, thinks they'll be the next Bob Dylan. Often carrying acoustic guitar and occasional harmonica, the Wannabe is ready to show their stuff (or lack of) at the next protest. These rejects could make William Hung seem like Don Henley. The guide offers no tactics, but plugging your ears and/or unplugging their microphone and amps may be in order.

Performance Artist-This species is in love with the grotesque display, which they consider art. They are easy to spot, as they are dressed like they are ready to go Trick-or-Treating. You may spot one dressed as Death, which is a likely representation of the victims of Bush's illegitimate wars, or you may spot others engaged in acts so vile, they would make a blind man cry. One example is the group Breasts not Bombs, which would be a nice distraction to the protest if the women were not examples of too much Jell-O for the mold (quoting Ron White "Things that make you go bwugh."). The guide recommends (you may not want to try it though) setting up a camera to attract the creatures, as they crave the attention, or dressing up as a suicide bomber and stand near their recreation of the Israeli security fence and go "Thank you for your support. You are now all dead"(178)

Islamothug-He's come from the ghetto of East Jerusalem ready to let his fellow travelers know that he's Muslim and angry. Members of this species blame all their own personal ills, as well as those of the world on the U.S. and Israel. Often dressing like a "gangsta" version of Yasser Arafat, they are known to engage in fake funeral processions to illustrate Israeli and American atrocities against Muslims, particularly Palestinians. They are known to refer to terrorists as freedom fighters. Tactics range from asking for translations of Koranic verses (particularly Surah 9:5) to tripping the coffin of a funeral procession, to holding up the following sign within their group and explaining the sarcasm.

Closet Nazis-As the name implies, these individuals possess a high level of anti-Semitism. They attempt to hide this behind a veil of anti-Israeli views. They are also characterized by being conspiracy nuts. Ways of dealing with them include showing them a fake "Elders of Zion" membership card, which will cause them to run to white power forums, announce the finding, and be laughed at for being so stupid by other Nazis, and, wearing pro-Israeli apparel near them.(202)

Security Goons-This is a protest volunteer who handles security for the organization putting on the protest. This species annoys cops frequently by acting like they have real power wearing their security vests. Known for protecting protests from groups like ProtestWarrior, these creatures overdo this job because they have no burdens in life. Related to the Security Goons are the organizers of the protest themselves, the Goons "bosses". The guide encourages shaking the hand of the real cops safeguarding the protest for their patience and humor, confronting the Goons with the truth of the First Amendment when they attempt to tear down your sign, and picketing the office of the protest organizer for a taste of their own medicine.(211-2)

There is one more group in the guide, but it is a group to be proud of and one that does not care for the protests.

The Employed White Male-Members of this species may be liberal or conservative, but one thing holds them together, they are just trying to get to work, raise their families, and enjoy life. This species typically gets involved with protests by accident, even though they were the original protesters at the founding of our nation. The employed white male will usually be heading to work, or coming home from work and have their journey interrupted by protesters, who likely did not get out of bed until noon and have no job. The protesters serve the employed white male with a powerful example for their children of why hard work and strong values are important ("You don't want to be like them, do you kid?"). This species is to be honored and celebrated, as they are what make this country great.

Thus concludes the examination of the species covered in A Field Guide to Left-Wing Wackos. Now you will know the different groups at liberal protests and what to do about them. Please consider getting the book as it is wonderful and will make you laugh. Also, check out ProtestWarrior.com to find out ways to get involved and counter the protest (they also have downloadable signs to place on doors, desks, etc. to annoy liberals).

Author's Note: The page numbers in parenthesis correspond to the page numbers in the book where certain information in the profiles was used.